"Diane..." - The Twin Peaks Tapes of Agent Cooper, is a two-sided audio cassette released on October 1, 1990 by Simon & Schuster. It compiles many of the recorded diary entries of Dale Cooper to his assistant Diane that had been featured in the first season and the first episode of the second one, along with new specially-recorded entries written by Scott Frost. It has been re-released as an audiobook.
Some entries from the original broadcasts are not included on the tapes. The tape begins with a monologue taking place before the pilot in which Cooper discusses his impending trip to Twin Peaks and continues with the initial monologue heard in the pilot, then eventually concludes with the day when he was shot.
For his work, Kyle MacLachlan was nominated for a Grammy Award for best spoken-word performance.
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February 24[]
- Testing. One, two. Testing. Diane, it’s 8 a.m., Seattle, Washington. As you have no doubt surmised, by the clarity of this tape, I’ve purchased a new Micro-Mac pocket tape recorder – "the big little recorder" – at Wally’s Rent-to-Own, 1145 North Hilltop – where, as the sign says, "a bargain is a bargain, no matter what the cost" – for twenty-one dollars and eighty-nine cents, cash. I decided to pass on the rent-to-own option, Diane. Leasing may be the fast track to an appearance of affluence, but equity will keep you warm at night. I have no doubt that this new model will prove to be an extremely useful tool in the investigatory process- where the most fleeting insight can be lost if your hardware isn’t as solid as you think it is.
- I have two stops to make, Diane. Wo’s House of Cloth, where I am picking up a new black suit, upping my total to five – one for each day of the week, presuming I don’t have to work weekends. Frequently not a safe assumption. One hundred, ninety-nine dollars and ninety-nine cents, including alterations. Second stop, the regional Bureau office to pick up some files. Although I have wrapped up the fiber-sample procedure seminar I came here to conduct, it looks like I’ll be heading east on a new case, instead of back to Philadelphia. Will fill you in on the details after I’ve been briefed.
- Diane, 9 a.m., preparing to board Flight 210. Commuter flight, fifteen seater, arriving in Spokane at 10:15 a.m. One meal, breakfast. Eggs, sausage, toast, jam, juice and the usual coffee-scented hot water. What airlines do to coffee shouldn’t happen to a dog, so I am packing a hot thermos from the commissary.
- Case number is: 11219er, you’ll have a copy of the file on your desk by the time you receive this. Victim: seventeen year old white female, dead, bound and wrapped in plastic. Cause of death unknown. Says here she was the Homecoming Queen. Second victim, discovered alive, was found across the state line, which is why it’s our business now. Suspects are in custody. Will assess their value upon arrival.
- Diane, I understand the air is so clear out where I am going, that you can see across two states when it’s not raining, which is most of the time. So I’ve packed a pair of the business man’s friend, totes for the feet.
- I’ve been scanning active files for the region. Note: possible correlation to a murder last year of one Teresa Banks, in the southwest corner of the state. Had all the trappings of a serial killing, except for one: a second body. Maybe this is it. Teresa Banks died a year ago, almost to the day.
- Diane, airborne. At what the pilot unintelligibly assures us is 17,000 feet. Dozed through breakfast and, for obvious reasons, am now awake. From the remains on the mans tray across the aisle, my stab at the menu was on the money, except they served bacon instead of sausage. Should be on the ground in thirty minutes, which will be about the time I empty my thermos, although the pilot did mention something about a storm front up ahead. Of course, statistically, when encountering weather aloft, the odds are in your favor in a smaller plane.
- Diane, time, at this moment, seems of little importance. If, by chance, we should not pass through this incredible maelstrom, you will find instructions for the disposition of my worldly goods and my remains, should there be any, filed under "Things to Come."
- Diane, 10:30 a.m. *kissing noises* Back on solid ground. I should say solid asphalt. I’m on my hands and knees in the parking lot of the branch office in Spokane. I’m picking up a Bureau car. No, no, no, I’m all right! Just thankful to be alive.
- Looks like I’ll be heading out Highway 2, due east. I’ve got about two hours of driving ahead of me. That’ll include lunch, one pit stop and two cups of coffee, unless I refill my thermos. And, Diane, for the last fifteen miles, I’m supposed to look out for deer on the highway. Man, wouldn’t that be something?
- Diane, 11:30 a.m., February 24th. Entering the town of Twin Peaks, five miles south of the Canadian border, twelve miles west of the state line. Never seen so many trees in my life. As W.C. Fields would say, "I'd rather be here than Philadelphia." 54 degrees on a slightly overcast day, weatherman said rain. If you could get paid that much for being wrong 60% of the time, you'd be working. Mileage is 79,345, gauge is on reserve. Riding on fumes here. I've got to tank up when I get into town. Remind me to tell you how much that is. Lunch was, uh, six dollars and thirty one cents at the Lamplighter Inn. That's on Highway 2, near Lewis Fork. That was a tuna fish sandwich, slice of cherry pie and a cup of coffee. Damn good food. Diane, if you ever get up this way, that cherry pie is worth a stop."Pilot"
- Okay... looks like I'll be meeting up with a, uh, Sheriff Harry S. Truman. Shouldn't be too hard to remember that. He'll be at the Calhoun Memorial Hospital. Guess we're going to go up to Intensive Care and take a look at that girl that crawled down the railroad tracks off the mountain. I'm pretty sure I'll be checking into a motel. I'm sure the sheriff will be able to recommend a clean place, reasonably priced. That's what I need, clean place, reasonably priced. Oh, Diane, I almost forgot. I've got to find out what kind of trees these are. They're really something special."Pilot"
- Diane, 3:10 p.m. Walking out of the elevator on the second floor of Calhoun Memorial Hospital, Twin Peaks. And if I’m not mistaken, the man approaching me, wearing the gun, will be Sheriff Harry. S. Truman.